(Scene: Oct. 12, 1492. The east coast of the land now called America, at the hour now called quarter to ten.)

COLUMBUS: Why, look, it seems I have discovered… India!

NATIVE AMERICAN 1: America, actually.

NATIVE AMERICAN 2: Central America, to be precise.

NATIVE AMERICAN 3: Is that your boat? Sweet.

COLUMBUS: And you must be the Indians.

NATIVE AMERICAN 1: Native Americans, please.

COLUMBUS: Silence, Indians! Don’t make me use my cannon on you.

NATIVE AMERICAN 2: What is this word you have spoke, “cannon”?

COLUMBUS: It is a mighty weapon, and I will use it to steal your land!

NATIVE AMERICAN 3: What is this word you have spoke, “weapon”?

NATIVE AMERICAN 4: And that other one, “steal”? Please, we have no knowledge of these things.

COLUMBUS: Look, it’s a, a weapon, you know. A thing-you-hurt-or-kill-people-with?

NATIVE AMERICAN 1: What is this word you have spoke, “hurt”?

NATIVE AMERICAN 2: And what is the meaning of “kill”? We have no knowledge of these matters.

COLUMBUS: Oh, for the love of…

NATIVE AMERICAN 4: And I’m still wondering about “steal,” when you get a chance.

COLUMBUS: Steal? It means I am taking land, which you own, without your permission.

NATIVE AMERICAN 2: Where are you going to take it?

NATIVE AMERICAN 1: How can land belong to men? No, stranger, we own no land.

COLUMBUS: Good, so you won’t mind me building great Eurocentric cities all over it then.

NATIVE AMERICAN 3: Doesn’t sound like sustainable development to me. Why don’t you…

COLUMBUS: Right! I warned you. (Fires cannon.)

NATIVE AMERICAN 2: He has made thunder come from his steal!

NATIVE AMERICAN 4: No, I think that was the weapon.

(UPDATE: I republished this piece in 2006, with illustrations!)