(While America slept, the third and final debate unfolded last night somewhere in Arizona.)
SCHIEFFER: Good evening, and welcome to the third and final 2004 presidential debate between President George Bush and War Hero Gentleman Senator John Kerry. I’m Bob Schieffer, from what remains of CBS News. Tonight’s topic will be domestic affairs, though we don’t expect Senator Kerry to stay on topic much. As in the first debate, this debate once again involves a system of blinking colored lights and buzzers on loan from The Price Is Right, which is seen every weekday on CBS. Check your local listings for…
KERRY: Dick Cheney’s daughter is a lesbian.
SCHIEFFER: Senator, please, I haven’t introduced you yet. Please join me in welcoming our returning champion, a crime-fighting miracle worker from Massachusetts, John Kerry.
(APPLAUSE)
And over there, George Bush. Senator, I want to set the stage for this discussion by asking the question that I think hangs over all of our politics today and is probably on the minds of many people watching this debate tonight. An important question, a question for the ages, a question that must rank among the top questions, in terms of important questions hanging over our politics today, in the manner of an overhanging sort of important thing. A question which is so important, that once I get around to asking it, it will strike many people watching this debate tonight as a question that has been on their minds, and would like answered. Senator, is Dick Cheney’s daughter a lesbian? You have two minutes.
KERRY: Well, first of all, Bob, thank you for moderating tonight. And thank you, CBS, for the great work you’re doing, not just on my behalf, but on the behalf of people who want me elected all over the globe. Is Dick Cheney’s daughter a lesbian? This president won’t give you a straight answer, but I will. Regrettably, this president has rushed us into a war against terrorists, instead of hunting them down and killing them. I can do better.
SCHIEFFER: Mr. President, you have 90 seconds.
BUSH: Bob, I appreciate my opponent’s comments, and his years of public service. I do know that his wife is a strong supporter of abstinence, and who can blame her? But his, his reckoric doesn’t match his,… his record, and his rhetoric, they’re a mismatch. He voted against the DOMA, which was the Defense of Marriage Act, not just once, but 15 times. And then he voted for it about six times. My opponent just this weekend talked about how gay marriage could be reduced to a nuisance, comparing it to prostitution, gambling, and terrorism. That’s whack, Bob.
SCHIEFFER: Anything to add, Senator Kerry?
KERRY: Yes. When the president had an opportunity to capture or kill Osama bin Laden, we had the best troops in the world surrounding him — he was holed up somewhere in Afghanistan, or possibly Pakistan, almost certainly on the Eurasian continent, which we had surrounded — he instead took his focus off of Bin Laden, as if he had other things to worry about. I can do better. I have a secret plan to personally hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden, which I’ve said many times.
SCHIEFFER: Mr. President? 30 seconds.
BUSH: Gosh, I just,… don’t think I ever said I’m not worried about Osama bin Laden. It’s kind of, one of those,… one of, those,… exaggamerations.
SCHIEFFER: Whew, just made it. New question, Mr. President, to you. Flu season is suddenly upon us. How did that happen?
BUSH: Bob, I’m advising all young, healthy, virile people like myself not to get the flu shot, so we have enough vaccine to give to weak, tired, aging, wrinkled, pampered, flabby, clumsy, flip-flopping…
KERRY: Hey!
BUSH: …Americans who need it most. It’s a shame that trial lawyers have made the shot so scarce this year, but I’m feeling pretty good, myself.
SCHIEFFER: Senator?
KERRY: Dick Cheney’s daughter is a lesbian.
(Meanwhile, other websites are reporting on other very important things. Like, here. And here. Oh, and here and here.)
