At seven o’clock this evening, war hero gentleman senator John Kerry ceased being a candidate for president. As a grateful nation anxiously looked forward to forgetting his name forever, the Massachusetts liberal spent the evening with family and close friends, including longtime consort Dame Terza Heinz, and spiritual advisor Rev. Osama B. Laden.

“My concession speech is coming along, should be ready by eleven,” bespoke the gaunt legislator, flashing his trademark toothsome grimace one last time.

“What’s important is that we as a nation put this bitter campaign behind us, and work towards healing,” he said. “And the best way to do that is to oppose President Bush at every single [expletive] opportunity. More filibustering, to be sure, and not just nominations, either, but we should filibuster the State of the [expletive] Union address. And spit on him. Yeah, that’s the kind of healing I have in mind.”

Rev. Laden added, “Plus, we should incinerate many American cities. But only ones where Republicans or Jews live, ha ha.”

(Of course, if he wins, I’ll be editing this post a little bit.)

As I voted this morning, I noticed something remarkable about the Oklahoma ballot. The ballot, as you might expect, is heavy on text, light on graphics. In fact, it has no pictures at all, except in the spots where a voter can mark a straight Republican or straight Democrat vote. In those spots, there is a little drawing of an animal by each party’s name.

The animals which symbolically represent the parties are not the familiar Republican elephant and the Democratic jackass. Instead, they are the Republican eagle, and the Democratic chicken.

The eagle and the chicken are appropriate icons representing the values and character of each party. But I’m wondering, have these always been the pictures on the Oklahoma ballot, and I just never noticed before? And who decided on these symbols? Oklahoma has a Democratic legislature and a Democratic governor, so presumably the Democrats approved of the chicken symbol at some point. “Let the Republicans have the eagle,” they said. “We call first dibs on the chicken.”

If anyone can shed some light on this, or make a smart-alecky remark, please leave a comment.

UPDATE: Time for a history lesson. The use of the chicken as a Democratic party symbol originated in Greenfield, Indiana, in 1840. (This precedes Thomas Nast’s donkey by about three decades.) It was later adopted by the national party. I’ve found proof that it was used at least as recently as 1960. (And, of course, 2004 in Oklahoma.)

As I may have mentioned in parts one, two, three, and four of this series, the AIGA has made voter apathy a thing of the past, with their crusade of posters by civic-minded graphic designers across the country.

So far I’ve covered a few genres with my expert commentary, but I don’t believe I’ve touched upon these categories:

THE ONES BY GUYS WHO DIDN’T TAKE THE PROJECT SERIOUSLY

These posters aren’t bad at all. Their designers used real skill, and put in some real effort, and they deliver their intended message effectively.

Only, the message isn’t, “Please vote.” Rather it’s, “Please laugh with me at this whole campaign. I am cooler than other people, and so are you, if you get the joke.”

Okay, we get it, so we’re cool too! Yay!

(Except, um, I don’t know who “Otis” is. Is he running for something?)

 

But then there are…

THE ONES THAT KIND OF MAKE YOU NOT WANT TO VOTE

No. No, I’m 38. And I don’t want any trouble. Here, take my wallet.

Okay, the guy in front can vote. But the rest of you in line, I’m gonna need to see some ID.

Choose the right road for my country? There’s only one road here, so I guess this must be it.

Vote. It’s worth six points.

Vote. It’s like taking a sledgehammer and crowbar to Abraham Lincoln’s nose.

Don’t vote.

That was just to prepare you for this next category of posters, namely…

THE ONES THAT MAKE VOTING SEEM LIKE THE MOST DISGUSTING, REVOLTING THING IMAGINABLE

So, we’ve got a sweaty guy with his mouth sewn shut, some gigantic mutant locusts, and… a pile of cow guts?

Ah, that last one is really a dashboard of an automobile. But it took me awhile.

The ones in the next category touched my heart:

THE ONES THAT APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN SLAPPED TOGETHER WITH SOME CLIP ART

Hey, we were all beginners once. Keep working at it, I’m pulling for you.

That leaves the final category:

THE ONES I DIDN’T SHOW HERE

There are hundreds of them, and they’re over at the AIGA website.

I’m going to go vote today. So should you, if you are a U.S. citizen, and legally registered to vote, and haven’t voted yet. And when your grandchildren ask you, “Grandpa, or Grandma if you are a woman, what was voter apathy?” you can smile indulgently and explain that it was this thing we used to have, until some graphic designers smothered it under hundreds of posters on a Tuesday in 2004.

May God bless you and grant you wisdom this day, and God bless these United States.