Welcome, friend, to the seventy-first edition of Bonfire of the Vanities, the one day a week when the bloggers take out the trash, haul it to the curb, and put a torch to it. These worst posts of the best bloggers are brought to you by WizBang, “banging wizzes since last April,” and Sean Gleeson, “the go-to guy for 2008 blogging.”

But enough of wool-gathering. The sooner we begin, the sooner we can discharge this unpleasant dooty. I mean, duty. So, let’s just jump in with both feet, shall we?

THE WORST OF THE WORST

When I volunteered to host the Bonfire, I tried to steel myself to the task of sifting through virtual buckets of rotten tripe. But I was not prepared for this post, which far exceeded my worst fears. It’s a, it’s a… I can hardly bring myself to say it. It’s a… catblog!

And then, if you can stand it, something much, much worse: a religious moonbat. How, asks John Elder, can we look into a man’s soul, and know if he is a true Christian, or a hate-filled christo-fascist? That’s easy: the hate-filled christo-fascist voted for Bush! (Jesus wept.) UPDATE: In a new post, Mr. Elder objects to my synopsis, insisting that I did not mock him competently. UPDATE: pax blogoribus.

THE MERCIFULLY BRIEF

There’s a post from Susie, consisting of only 19 words. I’ll just reproduce the post here to spare you the necessity of clicking: “Why do I want to look for my Styx albums? Too much time, too little to say… lyrics here.” That’s it. But on second thought, you should visit the post after all, to read the witty comment left by David.

See also this 26-word post from Mike Pechar about a communist leader having his wealth redistributed to the proletariat, and then having the chutzpah to press charges.

And Rusty Shackleford briefly salutes Dan Rather on what must have been the poor old bastard’s worst night ever.

THE UNMERCIFULLY UNBRIEF

If you had to write a dissertation explaining what, exactly, is wrong with the Democratic Party, do you think you could do it in fewer than eleventeen thousand words? I could: “They’re too liberal.” But Mahatma couldn’t.

THE WASTERS OF TIME

Norman wasted an entire morning picking out cabinet appointments for some guy named John Kerry, who for some reason Norm was certain would be president soon. Switch to decaf, Norm.

And this guy, whose name consists only of the letter “J,” opines that MTV lacks “credibility.” No, really, he wrote a whole post about it, see for yourself.

THE PEDDLERS OF UNTRUTHS

The Gleeful Extremist is so gullible… (Now you say, “How gullible is he?”) …he’s so gullible, he thinks 60 Minutes is a news program. The poor rube fell for their hoax about the selective service being reinstated if Bush won. He’s 32 years old, and checking the mail for his draft notice. Ha ha h… Whoops! Maybe the joke’s on us. As it turns out, Bush really has ordered a draft, says Dan K. O’Leary, and he’s got the photo to prove it! (Is it too late to retract my endorsement?) Dan assures us that it is “unlikely” that he will be running through the streets naked, which is cold comfort, I must say.

Sean Hackbarth tries to prove Iowa is cool. Huh. Maybe next he’ll demonstrate that Utah is hip, or that Rhode Island is sexy. Anyway, the numbers he cited are all wrong. But even if they were right, it wouldn’t make Iowa cool.

THE SHAMELESS SPAMMER

Watcher of Weasels canvassed statesmen around the world for their reactions to the American election. Hey, what gives, Watcher? This is supposed to be a showcase of the worst blogging of the week, and you’re spamming it with your good stuff! I think you owe my readers an apology.

THE FLOUTER OF TRADITION

It is apparently the time-honored tradition for the host of the Bonfire to add one of his own posts to the burning pyre, as a gesture demonstrating his humility. I’m afraid I must break with this tradition, as I find that I have neglected to write any bad posts all week. Go ahead, read ‘em all, and prove me wrong, I dare you.

NEXT WEEK: Bonfire 72 will be hosted by the Backcountry Conservative. Check WizBang for more details.