Two days ago, when I invented the “live chat” module of the Autorantic Virtual Moonbat, I thoughtfully included a handsome “OPTIONS” button. When the user clicked on the button, it helpfully displayed a message reading, “Sorry, there are no options.”

I didn’t have time then to code the user preferences interface, but I didn’t want to let a little thing like uncontrollability stop my insane robot from insulting my countrymen. So, I went ahead and posted the gizmo anyway. (If Dan Rather taught me anything, it’s that something this untrue has got to be published immediately.)

Tonight, however, I have coded the “OPTIONS” button. Go ahead and chat with the cranky machine, and click on “OPTIONS.” You’ll see.

(If the options button still doesn’t work, you’re looking at a cached copy. Refresh the page.)

The three options you’ll be specifying:

VERBOSITY: Would you prefer droning or non-droning? At the lowest verbosity level, “Terse,” you’ll be lucky to get anything more than a pleasantry such as “Shove it.” At the highest, “Doctoral Thesis,” you’re guaranteed to get at least a manifesto-length rant. There are five levels inbetween, including “Chatty” and “Loquacious.”

EXCITABILITY: A quality I call “excitability” manifests itself in the abuse of punctuation and capitalization. At the lowest setting, “Frigid,” the deviously soft-spoken moonbat will never, ever use an exclamation pont, nor will you see any entirely capitalized words; it will actually be jarring to see such ridiculous babble written so neatly, unless you read Joe Klein regularly. At the highest setting, “Stark Raving,” every single letter is capitalized, and the exclamation points can be stacked up to eight high, the way Linda Ronstadt would write if she could write.

EXTRA ENEMY: The AVM rants about many noteworthy personages, such as Karl Rove and Ann Coulter. Wouldn’t you like to be in such august company? Write your name in this field, and thrill to read rants condemning you personally, in no uncertain terms. Like, if your name is “John Q. Public,” the moonbat will every now and then say things like, “Obviously, John Q. Public is nothing but a tool of the whaling industry!!” You can beam with pride as you reply, “I had no idea it was so obvious.”

Enjoy your new options, America. Those of you who placed the AVM on your sites should see that it’s been automatically upgraded, just like I promised. You don’t have to change your code. I’m planning to build in even more features, and I’ll let you know when they’ve been added.