GLEESON EXCLUSIVE — Must credit Gleeson

The long-awaited “FINAL REPORT” on the forged Rathergate memos by the unflappable David E. Hailey of Utah State University is finally out. (Or is it? It says final report, but it also says “completed 3 December 2005,” which is almost a year from now.)

The report, titled “Toward Identifying the Font Families in the Bush Memos,” is a 29-page exploration of the inner mental processes of a disturbed and frustrated fellow, trying any way he can to persuade whoever will listen that the fake memoranda were produced on a typewriter. (Any way except actually dirtying his hands looking at an actual typewriter, that is.)

I found “Toward Identifying the Font Families in the Bush Memos” so fascinating, that I hacked into Mr. Hailey’s computer (was that wrong?) and found twelve new Final Reports to be released in the coming months!

UPCOMING HAILEY FINAL REPORTS:

Toward a Chronology of Popes in the Early Jedi Church
(completed 20 January 2006)

Circulation of Three-Dollar Bills in America
(completed 14 February 2006)

Gauging Proper Tire Inflation on the Flying Saucers that Built Stonehenge
(completed 8 March 2006)

Assessing the Impact of Milli Vanilli on the Work of J.S. Bach
(completed 15 April 2006)

What the Hitler Diaries Reveal About Snowball, the Monster Cat
(completed 1 May 2006)

Estimating the Date of Piltdown Man’s Homosexual Wedding
(completed 22 June 2006)

Approximating the Zodiac Signs of Nicole Simpson’s Real Killers
(completed 4 July 2006)

Measuring the Tooth Fairy’s Brassiere Cup Size
(completed 30 August 2006)

Review of President Carter’s Foreign Policy Successes
(completed 6 September 2006)

Joy of Cooking with Unicorn Blood: the Hailey Family Recipe Book
(completed 31 October 2006)

Estimating the Time of Arrival of the Check Which Is in the Mail
(completed 25 November 2006)

A Discussion of Various Things I Have Extracted from My Rectum
(completed 7 December 2006)

Celebrity nativity scene draws ire in U.K.

LONDON (AP) Christian leaders on Wednesday denounced a Nativity scene at a London wax museum featuring soccer star David Beckham and his wife Victoria, a former Spice Girl, as the parents of Jesus….

“There is a well-understood tradition that each generation interprets and reinterprets the Nativity … but, oh dear!” said the Rev. Jonathan Jenkins, spokesman for the archbishop of Canterbury, who leads the world’s 77 million Anglicans….

Madame Tussauds said it had respected this tradition, using a plastic doll in the manger. The other characters, it said, had been chosen in a public vote that drew 300 ballots.

“We’re sorry if we have offended people,” said Diane Moon, a spokeswoman for the museum, who said it was intended in a spirit of fun.

Rev. Jenkins is correct about there being a tradition of pious artistic interpretation of the nativity, but a “well understood tradition”? If well understood means widely understood, I sometimes doubt there are any such traditions in all of Christendom.

The Adoration of the Magi, Sandro Botticelli, c. 1475

Christian artists have freely inserted anachronistic characters into Biblical scenes for as long as there have been Christian artists. It is not unusual to find a popular saint kneeling at the Lord’s crucifixion, or a local nobleman of the period paying his respects at His adoration. Very often the artwork will feature contemporary costumes and architecture. The message of such conventions was that while these events are historical — they happened in a certain time and place, with certain people present — they are also the most important events of our own lives, and they demand a response from us. You and I were, and are, all present at Christ’s birth in this mysterious sense, and we must choose to adore Him, or ignore Him. Being confronted with such a message can literally bring a man to his knees; a work of art cannot save souls, but it can speak to souls, and lead them to salvation.

And then there’s… this. This is all wrong. I don’t really care about the inclusion of celebrities. Fact is, if I weren’t told these were celebrities, I wouldn’t have recognized anyone but Samuel Jackson (a shepherd) and George Bush (a wise man). But look at them, will you? Scroll up, and look at the whole installation again for the full effect. What are these dummies supposed to be doing? Do you see any, you know, adoration going on? Can even one of them spare a glance for the newborn King of creation? The shepherds came in from their sheeptending, but they look quite put-upon, in a we-were-just-leaving sort of way. Did the magi travel so many miles to casually toss their precious gifts on the dirt? Did the angel put on her slinkiest gown just to make kissy-faces and stick out her butt? (At least she’s the only one with bended knees.) Our Lord’s own blessed mother and her spouse seem pleased with themselves, but her Son may as well not be there.

In fact He isn’t there. All of the figures except the Christ child are meticulously crafted waxworks, but the baby Jesus is a dime-store plastic doll. The museum did this, they said, to respect the traditions of Christians. Really, they said that.

But why would they lavish any attention on the Savior, when His own mother won’t? Why should you, for that matter? This work of art, if it is art, has a message, fitting for our times: “Oh come, let us ignore Him.”

Got at e-mail from the Watcher of Weasels.

A plea for help (yet again)

I’d appreciate any help in spreading the word about the spot that just opened up on the Watcher’s Council:

http://www.watcherofweasels.com/archives/001445.html

They’re dropping like flies around here!

Best regards,
The Watcher

I never really knew what that Watcher’s Council was. I thought it was just a little blogrolling club, but after reading the Rules and Terms and Procedures and Conditions, I realize it is something more. Go have a look, if you are at all interested.