GLEESON EXCLUSIVE — Must credit Gleeson

The long-awaited “FINAL REPORT” on the forged Rathergate memos by the unflappable David E. Hailey of Utah State University is finally out. (Or is it? It says final report, but it also says “completed 3 December 2005,” which is almost a year from now.)

The report, titled “Toward Identifying the Font Families in the Bush Memos,” is a 29-page exploration of the inner mental processes of a disturbed and frustrated fellow, trying any way he can to persuade whoever will listen that the fake memoranda were produced on a typewriter. (Any way except actually dirtying his hands looking at an actual typewriter, that is.)

I found “Toward Identifying the Font Families in the Bush Memos” so fascinating, that I hacked into Mr. Hailey’s computer (was that wrong?) and found twelve new Final Reports to be released in the coming months!

UPCOMING HAILEY FINAL REPORTS:

Toward a Chronology of Popes in the Early Jedi Church
(completed 20 January 2006)

Circulation of Three-Dollar Bills in America
(completed 14 February 2006)

Gauging Proper Tire Inflation on the Flying Saucers that Built Stonehenge
(completed 8 March 2006)

Assessing the Impact of Milli Vanilli on the Work of J.S. Bach
(completed 15 April 2006)

What the Hitler Diaries Reveal About Snowball, the Monster Cat
(completed 1 May 2006)

Estimating the Date of Piltdown Man’s Homosexual Wedding
(completed 22 June 2006)

Approximating the Zodiac Signs of Nicole Simpson’s Real Killers
(completed 4 July 2006)

Measuring the Tooth Fairy’s Brassiere Cup Size
(completed 30 August 2006)

Review of President Carter’s Foreign Policy Successes
(completed 6 September 2006)

Joy of Cooking with Unicorn Blood: the Hailey Family Recipe Book
(completed 31 October 2006)

Estimating the Time of Arrival of the Check Which Is in the Mail
(completed 25 November 2006)

A Discussion of Various Things I Have Extracted from My Rectum
(completed 7 December 2006)