I’ll bet you’ve seen this headline already:

In U.S., 44 Percent Say Restrict Muslims!!!!!!!

(exclamation points added for appropriate loudness)

If you’re like me, when you first saw or heard that headline, you thought: “Can that be right? Can 44 percent of Americans really believe the U.S. government should restrict the civil liberties of Muslim Americans?”

I’m afraid that question was answered in the very first sentence of the A.P. story.

The shocking answer: yes!!!!!!

Nearly half of all Americans believe the U.S. government should restrict the civil liberties of Muslim Americans, according to a nationwide poll.

Yikes, I’m almost too scared to read any further! What horrible crimes against innocent Muslim Americans are being contemplated by nearly half of my countrymen? Travel restrictions? Deportation? Ghettoization? Tattoos? Slavery? Concentration camps? Despite my foreboding, I must read further; I must find out the horrible truth!

The truth is… it’s a crock of manure.

You see, this “nationwide poll” never actually got around to asking any actual people if they “believe the U.S. government should restrict the civil liberties of Muslim Americans.” I suspect that if any polling organization ever conducted such a poll, they’d end up with a number something like zero percent, which wouldn’t make any headlines. “Pretty Much Everybody Thinks Muslims Should Be Treated Equally and Enjoy Same Civil Liberties as Everybody Else” would have had the arguable advantage of accuracy, but what a yawner. Would you click on it?

So how did they get this “44 Percent Say Restrict Muslims”? Well, not to put too fine a point on it… they lied.

The poll measured these three opinions:

• 22 percent of respondents favored racial profiling to identify potential terrorist threats. Good idea. Or maybe not, if it’s not. We’ll debate it sometime. But either way, what on God’s green earth does this question have to do with restricting the civil liberties of Muslim Americans? Well, nothing.
• 29 percent thought undercover agents should infiltrate Muslim civic and volunteer organizations to keep tabs on their activities and fund-raising. Interesting. And how would such tab-keeping restrict the civil liberties of Muslim Americans? Well, it wouldn’t.
• 27 percent supported requiring all Muslim Americans to register where they lived with the federal government. Okay, but don’t you register where you live with the federal government at least once a year, when you pay your taxes? I do, and I’m Catholic. So 27 percent must have given this question a little thought, and answered, “Well, doy!”

So, by counting up all the respondents who answered ’sure, why not?’ to any of those three propositions, we arrive at our “44 Percent Say Restrict Muslims” headline, even though none of the actual propositions actually involves actually restricting the actual civil liberties of actual Muslims.

That A.P. story is bylined “William Kates, Associated Press Writer,” even though it’s pretty much a retyping of the Cornell press release, with no other persons consulted or interviewed. Just thought I’d mention that, in case you were wondering what a byline on an A.P. story meant.

“The Vatican can butcher whales in Liberia in the name of ‘family values’? That makes it okay, then! I am being sarcastic,” said Autorantic Virtual Moonbat at the awards ceremony. Autorantic Virtual Moonbat clowned around with funny jihadist Chevy Chase, just before getting fed up and breaking every bone in his body. Twice.

The Autorantic Virtual Moonbat was among the recipients honored with an ‘Incessant Whiner’ award, in a star-littered ceremony sponsored by People For The American Wah!

The Autorantic Virtual Moonbat (A.V.M.) is a two-dimensional cartoonish caricature capable only of random hate-filled rants and bizarre allegations. Past recipients of the award have included Susan Sarandon and Alec Baldwin.

At the gala event, held in Damascus, Syria, the A.V.M.’s six-hour keynote acceptance speech drew wild cheers and applause from the crowd of Hollywood celebrities, French government ministers, and Iraqi insurgents.

In closing, the unthinking device quipped: “I am not one of Bill Frist’s Bible-thumping yes-men!! The chimp in charge’s War Against Drum Circles must end. What about carbon dioxide reduction and public radio for the 20,428 dwarfs who are cursed in Belize every day by our Boy King and his shills!!? If you aren’t JOYLESS about the smirking of this smirking chimp, then as anyone with half a brain knows you are a Repugnantan SYCOPHANT of Ariel Sharon! I reject guns and profits! I take it, Shrubya can talk about “election”, all THE while eating oppressed Latinos in Palestine! Please!!! The oil lobby can kick workers in Cambodia, in the name of “loyalty oath”? That makes it okay, then? Since 1990, 50,763 African-American baby seals have been wiped out!”