The most beautiful woman I know just reminded me of an important anniversary. Six years ago, I needed a ride to a company Christmas party… (harp glissando playing)…

Citing budgetary and time concerns, the American Civil Liberties Union has announced that this year instead of litigating to eradicate Christmas, they will begin a “direct action” campaign of kicking little kids in the teeth.

“Our litigous activities have brought us great success,” said ACLU Executive Director Anthony Romero. “All across America, little kids are boo-hoo-hooing because we’ve forbidden this or that holiday, or taken away some silly religious necklace, or expelled some goody-two-shoes for praying. Their tears are what make our efforts worthwhile. The more we hurt little kids, the more we know we’re doing something right.”

“But this success comes at a price,” Romero warned. “Lawsuits are costly, and they can take months or even years. For instance, we’ve been trying to demolish the Boy Scouts since 1997. It’s already cost us millions, and so far only a few hundred little boys have been hurt as a result. So from now on, it’s no more Mr. Nice Guy.”

The new campaign will tour public schools in all 50 states, lecturing the assembled students on the necessity of anal intercourse, and showing a 45-minute educational film, Where Is Your So-Called God Now? After the presentation, the students will line up to be kicked in the jaw or kneecaps until they cry.