This morning, ten more outrages were added to the big outrageous pile of outrages over outrageous revelations that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had used a so-called “autopen” to sign condolence letters. Even though he has not denied these ten additional outrages, Rumsfeld still refuses to resign.

• Instead of dialing his telephone by pressing all the digits, he makes use of a “speed dial” device for frequently called numbers.
   
• Instead of dicing, boiling, and mashing potatoes, he sometimes mixes freeze-dried mashed potato flakes with hot water.
   
• When he needs donuts, he buys them from retail outlets, instead of frying his own donuts from scratch ingredients.
   
• Instead of lacing and tying his shoes, he sometimes makes use of so-called “loafers,” which have no laces.
   
• Instead of typing into input fields on website forms, he has his name and other information saved as “cookies” which fill in many forms automatically.
   
• Once he bought new spark plugs, when cleaning his old spark plugs with a toothbrush might have extended their useful lives by up to six more months.
   
• He has had most of his clothing outfitted with “buttons” and “zippers” to make dressing and undressing almost effortless.
   
• When driving, he almost never tunes in his favorite radio stations with the “tune” dial, preferring to make use of special “preset” and “seek” buttons.
   
• If he were Buddhist, he would probably use a “prayer wheel,” which offers up prayers to the Deity on the behalf of the person who spins it.
   
• Instead of resigning in disgrace, he tends to win wars.