The U.S. Department of Agriculture is retiring the Nutrition Pyramid, that familiar triangle crammed with assorted comestibles which has graced a wall on every grade school in America for 15 years. To replace the outmoded pyramid, the USDA has designed a brand new icon to reflect the very latest culinarily correct nutrition standards. To help build suspense and forestall criticism, they are refusing to reveal any details of the new graphic until its unveiling tomorrow.
 

That’s why I decided to unveil it today! Through my confidential contacts in the USDA Bureau of Food Preaching Visual Aid Design, I have obtained exclusive copies of the new food guide graphic, and herewith present them to you, my readers.

Included with the secret files I obtained were two rejected concepts, the “Nutrition Ceiling Fan,” which divided foods into “long,” “round,” “cheap,” “expensive,” and “Denny’s” groups, and the “Nutrition Martini,” which included the food group “vermouth (sparingly).”

For yet undisclosed reasons, the department rejected these designs, and approved the new icon to be unveiled tomorrow: the “Nutrition Frowny Face.” This graphic, shaped like a stylized wincing human visage, segregates all foods into two broad categories: “Food You Can’t Stand,” and “Food You Like.” The “Can’t Stand” category is further subdivided into three groups: Smelly Food, Foreign Food, and Revolting Food. The government now recommends 18 daily servings of Food You Can’t Stand, while Food You Like is not recommended at all in any quantity whatsoever. (In fact, eating Food You Like will be outlawed in an upcoming Supreme Court decision. But that’s another scoop for another day; stay tuned to blog.gleeson.us!)

The USDA Nutrition Frowny Face is available for download as a high-resolution JPEG, for educational purposes.