The U.S. Department of Agriculture is retiring the Nutrition Pyramid, that familiar triangle crammed with assorted comestibles which has graced a wall on every grade school in America for 15 years. To replace the outmoded pyramid, the USDA has designed a brand new icon to reflect the very latest culinarily correct nutrition standards. To help build suspense and forestall criticism, they are refusing to reveal any details of the new graphic until its unveiling tomorrow.
That’s why I decided to unveil it today! Through my confidential contacts in the USDA Bureau of Food Preaching Visual Aid Design, I have obtained exclusive copies of the new food guide graphic, and herewith present them to you, my readers.
Included with the secret files I obtained were two rejected concepts, the “Nutrition Ceiling Fan,” which divided foods into “long,” “round,” “cheap,” “expensive,” and “Denny’s” groups, and the “Nutrition Martini,” which included the food group “vermouth (sparingly).”
For yet undisclosed reasons, the department rejected these designs, and approved the new icon to be unveiled tomorrow: the “Nutrition Frowny Face.” This graphic, shaped like a stylized wincing human visage, segregates all foods into two broad categories: “Food You Can’t Stand,” and “Food You Like.” The “Can’t Stand” category is further subdivided into three groups: Smelly Food, Foreign Food, and Revolting Food. The government now recommends 18 daily servings of Food You Can’t Stand, while Food You Like is not recommended at all in any quantity whatsoever. (In fact, eating Food You Like will be outlawed in an upcoming Supreme Court decision. But that’s another scoop for another day; stay tuned to blog.gleeson.us!)
The USDA Nutrition Frowny Face is available for download as a high-resolution JPEG, for educational purposes.
The Shape of Tomorrow, Today
After 15 years, the USDA is deprecating the familiar Food Guide Pyramid. They say they’re unveiling their new, improved replacement graphic tomorrow. But you can have a sneak peek at it tonight! (Or is he joking? I can never tell.)
Monday
Basil’s Blog: Headline News Scrappleface: Bolton Denies Boxer’s Claim: ‘I Am Not the Walrus’ Sean Gleeson: USDA to Unveil Nutrition Frowny Face…
What about those oh-so-rare foods that straddle the fence? You know deep down they’re good for you, but you actually like them any way? Perhaps a single serving, snuck in on Sunday while hiding in the pantry?
The way I understand it, Jeff, these new guidelines are entirely subjective, so any food you personally like is forbidden to you, even though that same food would be highly recommended for others, who can’t stand it. “Borderline” cases, foods which you honestly almost sort of enjoy, like sardines on melba toast, should be treated as “Food You Like,” and avoided.
Starting January 1, falsely pretending to dislike any food in order to eat it will be a federal crime. We will all have to make some adjustments in this transitional period, but remember it’s for your own good!
I’m awake!
As Bill the Cat would say, "ACK!" This choking, coughing, feeling like I’m dying stuff is not conducive to sleep. But it is conducive to finding funny stuff on the Gleeson Blogomerate. As we all know by now, the food pyramid just got the…
Where are 2005’s best posts?
They’re here. A compilation of the best posts we (and our readers) could find, from 2005.