Shirley Jones still bitterly remembers Partridge Family episode 68, in which she had to prance about in a hen costume to advertise a fried chicken restaurant. That abuse scarred her for life, and now she has taken up the cause of mistreated poultry.

Just in time for Thanksgiving, she has made an anti-turkey documentary, called “Turkeys Are People, Too” or something, preaching that it’s time to stop treating turkeys like second-class citizens.

“We can start by being more sensitive of their feelings, by calling them by their preferred designation ‘Meleagrine-Americans,’ and by not eating them,” she says.* Mrs. Jones recommends substituting tofu or Soylent Brown for your Thanksgiving repast.

In most states, turkeys are not allowed to vote, or to marry.

* (All quotes in this report are fake but accurate.)