ROME, DEC. 5 — In an unexpected announcement, Pope Benedict XVI has renamed the December 25 holiday to “Holidays.”

Appearing in St. Peter’s Square with American Civil Liberties Union director Anthony Romero at his side, the pontiff read from a prepared statement. “With more than one billion customers coming through our doors every week, ‘Happy Holidays’ is a pleasant greeting that will not offend anyone. Not even Anthony here.”

The gathered crowd in St. Peter’s Square blinked in puzzlement as Benedict unfurled a giant “Happy Holidays” banner featuring a smiling snowman.

Romero added, “So no more ‘C-word,’ people! Knock it off! You Christians make me sick, with all your intolerance. You should all be locked up, as far as I’m concerned.” Later, he signed autographs.

Today’s announcement was the culmination of a years-long campaign spearheaded by the ACLU and other tolerant organizations to expunge every visible trace of Christianity from the Earth. Experts largely attribute this success to Romero’s persistence and his innovative grass-roots tolerance projects, such as last-year’s amazingly effective Kid-Kicking Campaign.